Why Men Get Defensive (And How To Stop)

Why do men get defensive?

Defensiveness can arise when feedback feels like a threat to your worth or competence. In this episode, Dr. John Schinnerer explains how a mistake can become a shame-filled story about who you are—and how to notice that reaction, stay curious, and take responsibility without giving up your perspective.

How to stop getting defensive: three steps to practice

1. Notice your body. Watch for a tight jaw, rising heat, a tense chest, or an urgent need to explain yourself. Pause before responding.
2. Find the meaning. Ask, “What am I making this mean about me?” Separate the feedback from a global judgment of your worth.
3. Choose curiosity. Try, “You may be right. Tell me more,” or “My first reaction is to defend myself. Can you give me a second?”

Repair after a defensive response

Practice four moves: acknowledge, own, get curious, repair. For example: “I was distracted. I can see how that felt like I wasn't listening. What did you need from me? Let me put my phone down and try again.”

Ownership first, context second. You can acknowledge your part and still disagree respectfully: “I see it differently, but I want to understand your perspective.”

Prefer to read it? Why men get annoyed when they’re wrong on Guide to Self covers the three protective states and a 5-step reset you can use the next time criticism lands.

Read the episode transcript

Episode transcript: Why Men Get Defensive

Dr. John Schinnerer · The Evolved Caveman. Transcript provided for reading, with timestamps retained and name spellings corrected.

[00:00:00] Welcome. Today, we are talking about something very brief, yet incredibly important. There is a moment in many marriages that lasts approximately three seconds and can destroy the next three hours, and when these moments accumulate, they can destroy decades of connection. Your wife says, "Hey, you said you were going to call the contractor."

And you say, "I've been slammed all day." She says, "I know. I'm just saying you told me you'd do it." And suddenly, somehow, you are presenting oral arguments before the Supreme Court. "I had back-to-back meetings, and then Jake called, then the dog threw up, and you knew I had that presentation today. I don't know why you're acting like I'm sitting around all day doing nothing."

Congratulations. You've just turned, "You forgot to call the contractor," into, "Your wife has accused you of being a lazy, incompetent shit bag who has contributed nothing to the family since the Clinton administration." [00:01:00] And she did not actually say any of that. Your nervous system did. Welcome to the Evolved Caveman.

I'm Dr. John Schinnerer, and today we're talking about one of the fastest ways that otherwise intelligent, capable, successful men absolutely lose their shit: being wrong. More specifically, what happens when someone, usually someone we love, points out that we screwed up, forgot something, hurt their feelings, misunderstood them, made a bad call, or otherwise failed to perform at the flawless standard apparently required to retain our membership in the League of Competent Men.

And before every woman listening sends this episode to her husband with a helpful little note saying, "This is you," hang on, because ladies, if you send it with the words, "This is you," you may actually trigger the exact phenomenon I'm about to explain, which would be kind of hilarious, scientifically useful, but terrible for your evening.

Here's the central idea I want you to understand [00:02:00] today. Defensiveness is often not a sign that a man thinks he's better than everyone else. Sometimes it is. Some people are just narcissistic assholes. Maybe 5% of the population. But much more of the time, male defensiveness is a threat response And it's one that I struggled with for five decades.

And underneath that threat response is frequently something men are spectacularly uncomfortable feeling, shame. Not guilt. There's a difference. Guilt says, "I did something wrong." Shame says, "There is something wrong with me," or, "I am wrong. I am the mistake." That distinction matters enormously because if you tell a relatively secure man, "Hey, you forgot to call the contractor," his brain can process, "Oh, shit, I forgot."[00:03:00]

Problem identified, problem solvable. But if somewhere inside him the meaning becomes something like, you're unreliable, you're failing as a husband, you can't get anything right, you're weak, you're incompetent, you're disappointing her again, now we're no longer discussing a contractor, now we're defending the castle.

And this is where the inner kingdom model comes in. Inside every man, metaphorically speaking, are several different parts of himself. There's the squire, the younger, more vulnerable part of you. The squire carries early experiences, longings, insecurities, emotional memories, and beliefs about what you have to do to be worthy, loved, respected, or safe.

Then there's the knight, your protector, the squire's protector. The knight's job is defense, boundaries, strength, action, aggression, withdrawal, [00:04:00] control, problem-solving. The knight is not bad. I love the knight. We need the knight. The knight is enormously useful when your family is actually threatened. You want your knight when someone breaks into your house.

You want your knight when a business negotiation requires courage. The problem is that your nervous system sometimes has the threat detection sophistication of a golden retriever guarding a tennis ball. Actual threat, knight. Wife looks disappointed, knight. Boss questions your decision, knight. Kid says, "Dad, you never listen to me," good God, man, draw the sword.

And this brings us to the three-second sequence I want you to learn this sequence because once you see it, you'll start spotting it everywhere. You will be unable to not see it. Eh, it's a double negative. In any case, here is the [00:05:00] three-second sequence. It goes like this: criticism, threat, defense. Or to get a little more specific, feedback, meaning, shame, threat, protection.

And the whole damn thing may happen so fast that you never consciously experience the middle. Forget three seconds, that can occur within a third of a second. Your wife says, "You were really harsh with him." That's the external event. Then comes the meaning, "You're saying I'm a bad father." Then shame, "Maybe I am screwing this up."

Then threat. I cannot tolerate this feeling. Then the knight leaps forward. I wasn't harsh, he was being disrespectful. Boom. A third of a second. King gone, knight running the country, and knights are terrible couples [00:06:00] counselors. They have a very limited intervention strategy. Sword, shield, close the drawbridge, maybe escape out the back tunnel of the castle.

That's about it. So now your wife says, "I'm not saying you're a bad father," and you hear she's continuing the attack, so you attack in return. You yelled at him last week. She says, "This isn't about me." Of course, this is terrible news because you were very much hoping to make this about her. You say, "I just think it's interesting that you can criticize the way I parent when you do exactly the same thing."

And ladies and gentlemen, we have just achieved defensiveness level five, Defcon 5, the counter-prosecution. You were originally charged with one count of being harsh with your son. You are now prosecuting your wife for fourteen years of parenting irregularities. In couples counseling, we call this kitchen sinking, also [00:07:00] deflection.

And somewhere in the background, the original issue has packed a suitcase and quietly left the country So why are men so sensitive to being wrong? Now again, not all men, just 95% of them, and, you know, women obviously and absolutely get defensive too. This isn't just male DNA. However, men grow up in a social system where competence becomes tightly tied to our identity and our worth.

Think about what boys are rewarded for, knowing, doing, fixing, winning, performing, being strong, being capable, being stoic, being independent, having the answer. And what do boys often learn to avoid? Looking weak, looking foolish, being embarrassed, needing help, not knowing, failing [00:08:00] publicly, being emotionally exposed.

So imagine a boy growing up with the implicit equation, competence equals worth Competence equals worth. Then that little boy becomes a 47-year-old executive. He manages over 150 people, makes complicated decisions, manages millions of dollars. People come to him for answers all day long at work, and then he walks through his front door and his wife says, "Why did you tell Emma she was overreacting when she was upset?"

And suddenly, this brilliant executive becomes a defense attorney representing himself. "That is not what happened." And I want you to see what may be happening underneath the hood of your head. His wife thinks they are discussing a parenting interaction. His nervous system thinks they are discussing whether or not he is a good man, a competent man, [00:09:00] a worthy man.

Those are two completely different conversations. And once the nervous system perceives identity threat, curiosity dives out the window, because curiosity is a king function. Defensiveness is a knight function. The king can ask, "Tell me what you saw." The knight asks, "Who the fuck do you think you are?" The king can tolerate, "I might have gotten that wrong."

The knight says, "I need you to understand why I was right." The king seeks truth. The knight seeks acquittal. That line is worth remembering. The king seeks truth. The knight seeks acquittal, vindication, exoneration. And if your goal in conflict is acquittal, in other words, to win, your relationship is going to become a courtroom.

Nobody wants to be married [00:10:00] in a courtroom. Courtrooms are terrible for intimacy. Lots of paperwork, very little nudity, even less sex And here's the tricky part, defensiveness works in the short term. That's why you keep doing it. Your wife says, "You hurt me." You say, "That wasn't my intention." Tiny reduction in shame.

She says, "You were dismissive." You say, "You were yelling." Tiny reduction in shame. Your boss says, "You missed the mark on this." You explain the circumstances. Tiny reduction in shame. You are temporarily moving psychological pain away from yourself. That is reinforcement. The nervous system goes, "Better." So the knight learns when shame appears, argue.

When shame appears, explain. When shame appears, counterattack. When shame [00:11:00] appears, shut down, disappear And some men don't fight. Their knight has a different strategy, the escape tunnel in the back of the castle. He withdraws. She says, "Can we talk about what happened?" He says, "Not now." She follows him, he goes silent.

She gets louder, he shuts down even more. Now she experiences and feels abandonment and panic. He experiences attack. She pursues, he withdraws. Both become increasingly convinced that the other one is the problem. Beautiful. You've just created a perpetual motion machine of relational disconnection. Just what we wanted.

Uh, that's sarcasm, if you were unclear

So let's talk about explanation versus accountability, because one of the most important distinctions you can learn is the [00:12:00] difference between explaining yourself and taking responsibility. Men love explanation. Explanation feels productive. We can create timelines, graphs, weather maps, perhaps a PowerPoint.

I understand I was 20 minutes late, but traffic was unusually heavy because there was construction on 680, and then I had to get gas because you drove the car yesterday, and... Stop You are giving testimony. Your partner may simply want, "You're right. I said I'd be here at 6:00. I wasn't. I should have texted you.

I'm sorry I let you down." Done. Then maybe in a second conversation, 10, 15, 20 minutes or longer later, you provide some context. The order matters because when you explain before you acknowledge, before you validate how she's feeling, explanation sounds like excuse-making, and [00:13:00] her feelings never get heard, and that's the biggest complaint I've heard from women over 30 years.

"My husband doesn't hear me." And what she's saying is, "My husband doesn't hear the emotions behind what I'm saying." So here's a useful rule: ownership first, context second. Not, "I only yelled because you kept interrupting me." Try, "I yelled. That wasn't okay. I was frustrated because I felt interrupted, but I'm responsible for how I handled it Notice what happened there?

You did not surrender your perspective. You did not declare her perfect. You did not crawl through broken glass whispering, "I am garbage." You simply separated two different and perhaps competing truths. Maybe she was interrupting you, and you yelled. Mature adult humans can hold two [00:14:00] truths simultaneously, two sometimes competing, sometimes contradictory truths.

It is one of the great features of the human prefrontal cortex. Use yours. The hidden fear behind all of this is if I admit I'm wrong, I lose, and I hate to lose. For some men, admitting fault feels like surrender, or worse, outright losing. And this is particularly common if you grew up in a family where conflict was about power, if being wrong meant humiliation, if mistakes were punished, if apologies were used against you, if vulnerability got mocked, if you had a parent who had to win, or if you spent years in a relationship where admitting fault resulted in three additional hours of prosecution.

Your system may have learned never give ground, because giving ground is dangerous. [00:15:00] And that makes sense. But what protected you in one environment can poison another This is one of the biggest themes in emotional development. A strategy can be completely understandable and completely destructive at the same time Let me say that again.

An old strategy can be completely understandable and completely destructive simultaneously. You don't have to hate the knight, you don't wanna fear the knight, and you don't need to battle with the knight. You need the king to lead the knight. Your knight learned never admit weakness. The king says, "We are safe enough now to tell the truth."

Your knight says, "She'll think less of us." The king says, "She will probably trust us more." Your knight says, "Fight." The king [00:16:00] says, "Listen first Listen with curiosity. Listen with the intent of connecting. That is maturity. Not killing off the defensive part of yourself, learning to lead it

And now we get to the uncomfortable part because honestly, and, and this is what it took me five decades to figure out, defensiveness costs you. So I'm trying to save you some of the pain and suffering that I experienced in my relationships with my mistakes. Defensiveness costs you a lot. First, it costs you credibility.

Ironically, people trust you more when you can say, "I got that wrong." And think about the leaders you respect the most. Do you trust the leader who pretends every decision was perfect? Or the one who says, "I misread that. Here's what [00:17:00] I learned"? Owning mistakes communicates strength. Why? Because you're showing that your identity can survive reality.

That's confidence. Defensiveness feels like confidence from the inside, but from the outside it looks like fragility Second, defensiveness costs you influence. And this is the, the pattern that I've seen again and again and again, where the wife eventually stops giving the husband feedback. Sure, on the surface it sounds fantastic, right?

No more criticism. Victory. Yes. Except what happens is not she finally realized I'm right, it's she gave up. She got resigned. She feels hopeless that she can ever get through to me. Those are not the same thing. Because once your [00:18:00] partner concludes there's no point bringing anything up because he'll just get defensive, the relationship begins losing connection and information, and resentment goes underground, and emotional distance grows, and she starts editing herself around you And someday you hear from her, "I don't feel close to you anymore."

And you think, "Where the hell did that come from?" And brother, here's the truth. It came from 400 conversations that never happened because every time she raised something difficult, your knight showed up in full body armor ready to go to war Third, defensiveness costs you growth and evolution. If every mistake requires an explanation, if every mistake is defended against, you cannot learn from them.

Imagine a golfer who blamed the wind for every bad shot [00:19:00] Eventually, a good coach would say, "Hey, uh, you know, maybe you wanna look at your damn swing. Maybe your swing sucks." Relationships are no different. You do not become a better husband, father, leader, or man by defending the current version of yourself to the death.

Growth requires being able to notice, "I don't like hearing this. This is painful, and there may be something here I need to understand. Maybe there's a growth edge here." That's psychological flexibility, and psychological flexibility is one of the clearest markers of emotional maturity. I think of maturity this way: maturity means having more moves available to you.

If your only response to feeling criticized is defend, attack, explain, or withdraw, you don't have many moves. You don't have much psychological flexibility. Now, you [00:20:00] may still be extremely successful. You may have built companies. You may have an MBA from Wharton. You may own a home that has a second smaller home for your wine.

It doesn't matter. If criticism produces the same move every time, the trait has you. So that's the real question. Do you have your defensiveness, or does your defensiveness have you? So what do you do instead? Let me give you something simple. Because when you're triggered, you're not going to remember a 14-step communication protocol invented by three re- researchers in Denmark.

You need something your brain can actually retrieve while your knight is looking for its mace, and here it is. Step one, catch the body. Before you catch the thought, pay attention to your physiology. Your jaw tightens, your chest contracts, your face gets hot, your stomach drops, your shoulders rise, heart rate increases.

You [00:21:00] suddenly feel an overpowering need to explain what actually happened. The urge to explain yourself is often the warning light

Notice it. Don't judge it, just think, "Knight." That's it. The knight is up. The knight is sitting in the throne. Something feels threatening. Step two, find the meaning. Ask yourself, "What am I making this mean about me?" That question is dynamite. She says you forgot. What did you make that mean? I'm unreliable.

She says, "You hurt me." I'm a bad husband. Boss says, "This isn't your best work." I'm losing his respect. Your kid says, "You never listen." I'm failing as a father. The emotional intensity often comes less from what was actually said than from the meaning your squire attached to it. You aren't defending against the [00:22:00] sentence, you're defending against the meaning

Step three, put the king back on the throne. Now we need one sentence, not 12, not your closing argument. Try this, "You may be right. Tell me more." You may be right. Tell me more. That sentence is fucking magic. Not you're right about everything, not I'm a terrible person, not I surrender the kingdom, not... Just, just there may be information here I don't yet understand.

Listen to connect. That is strength. Or try, 'My first reaction was to defend myself. Can you give me a second to pull myself together?" That sentence alone can save relationships. If you're a wife, imagine hearing that from your husband. You say, 'When you made that joke in front of everyone, I felt embarrassed."

And instead of, "Oh my [00:23:00] God, everyone knew I was just joking," he says, "My first reaction was to defend myself. Can you give me a second?" Now he takes a breath, and then he says, "Yeah, I can see how that would have landed badly. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." Sweet baby Jesus, that man may get laid this evening because nothing says emotional attractiveness like a functioning nervous system and a drop of humility.

So here's the repair formula I want you to practice. Four parts: acknowledge, own, get curious, repair. One, acknowledge, two, own it, three, get curious, four, repair. Example, your wife says, "You were on the phone the whole time I was telling you about my day." Your old knight response was, "Uh, I was just answering one work email."

Again, that's defensive. You can be calm in [00:24:00] saying that, and it's still defensive. You're defending what you did. New response, "You're right. I was distracted. I can see how that felt like I wasn't listening, and I can see how it might have hurt your feelings. What were, what were you wanting from me in that moment?"

And then after she tells you, repair. "You know what? Let me put my phone down. Can we try again?" That's it. Here's another example. Your kid says, "You always criticize me." The old knight response: "That's ridiculous. I compliment you all the time." New response: "I don't think I always criticize you, but if it feels that way to you, I wanna understand it better.

What am I doing that feels critical?" Now, pay attention here, because that response doesn't mean the kid's perception is objectively perfect. It means you value the relationship more than immediate exoneration [00:25:00] One more. Your boss says, "You came across a little defensive in that meeting today." Ironically, the worst possible response is, "No, I didn't," which is being defensive.

Try something like, "Yeah, thank you for the feedback. What did you notice?" King throne back together. Okay, but John, what if they're wrong? This is the objection I can hear half of you screaming into your steering wheel. What if she's wrong? Excellent question. Sometimes she is. Sometimes your boss is wrong.

Sometimes your kid is wrong. Sometimes criticism is unfair. Sometimes people project their shit onto you. Sometimes people are unreasonable. Sometimes they accuse you of things that simply aren't true, and being emotionally mature does not mean becoming a human welcome mat. The goal isn't submission. The goal is emotional [00:26:00] regulation.

You can disagree without defending your identity Try this. I see it differently than you do, but I wanna understand your perspective. Or, yeah, I agree with part of that, but not all of it. Or, I'm willing to own my part, but I don't agree that all of this is mine. Coming at difficult conversations with the intention of listening with curiosity and the goal of connection is 100% king energy.

Calm, clear, curious, boundaried, not collapsed, not attacking. That's what I mean when I talk about freedom over rigidity. The mature man has options. He can apologize. He can disagree. He can get curious. He can set a boundary. He can laugh at himself. He can say, "I have absolutely no idea." Imagine that, a grown [00:27:00] man surviving not knowing something.

Miracles happen every day. So try this this week. Here's your assignment. For one week, do not try stop being-- do not try to stop being defensive. It's, it's too big. Just become fascinated by it. Be fucking curious about it. Watch for that three-second sequence, feedback, meaning, threat, protection. Notice the moment the knight arrives and wants to defend you.

And whenever you catch yourself preparing your defense, use one sentence There may be something here. Let me be brave enough to hear it. Coach yourself in your own head. You're not agreeing, you're opening the door to connection. Then see what happens. I suspect you'll discover something surprising. Most people don't need you to be perfect.[00:28:00]

They need you to be reachable. Let me say that again. Your loved ones need you to be reachable. Your wife doesn't need you to never screw up. She needs to know that when you do, she can talk to you about it without having to put on full body armor. Your kids do not need a flawless father. They need a father capable of saying, "Yeah, I handled that badly.

I'm sorry." Your team does not need a leader who is never wrong. They need one who can update his thinking when reality provides new information. And you do not need to protect yourself from every uncomfortable truth. You can survive being wrong. In fact, one of the great developmental shifts in a man's life happens when he realizes being wrong does not make me weak.

Sometimes admitting I was wrong is the strongest move available. Because the knight wants to win the [00:29:00] moment, the king wants to protect the kingdom, and sometimes protecting the kingdom means putting down the sword and saying, "Yeah, I screwed that up. I'm sorry. Tell me what you need now." That may not feel like winning, but boy, watch what happens to your marriage.

Watch what happens to your kids. Watch what happens to your leadership. Watch what happens to your own internal freedom. Because the goal isn't to become a man who never gets defensive. Good luck with that shit. The goal is to become a man who notices it sooner. Three hours becomes 30 minutes, 30 minutes becomes three minutes, three minutes becomes three seconds, and eventually the knight will still stand up, but within a second or two, the king looks over and says, "I've got this," and the knight sits back down.

That's evolution. If this episode hit a little too close to home, [00:30:00] particularly if you recognized yourself somewhere between, "I was just explaining," and, "Why am I presenting Exhibit C from an argument we had in 2017?" I wrote more about this at guidetoself.com. Search for the article Why Men Get Annoyed When They're Wrong.

And if you want help catching this stuff in real time, not three hours after the argument when you're lying in bed thinking, "Well, that went poorly," take a look at Proxi He at proximitycoaching.com/he.

Proxi He was built for exactly these moments, not because men are broken, because most of us were never taught this. We learned how to perform, achieve, compete, fix, provide, push through, but very men... very few men were ever taught what to do in the three seconds between feeling threatened and doing something stupid.

That's where the work is. That's where your relationships change, and frankly, that's where life gets a hell of a lot easier. I'm Dr. John Schinnerer. This is The Evolved Caveman. Go forth, be wrong [00:31:00] occasionally, be curious, listen with the goal of connection, not vindication, and for the love of God, stop turning calling the contractor into a federal case.

Until next time